judgementalness

I find myself outside a lot lately during the sunset. IT's not cause I like how it looks. Well, at least I don't think so. I just find it calming to be around there at that time, you know what I mean? you probably don't. It's just, the changing of the temperature, as it gets cooler and cooler, watching the streetlights go on one at a time, it's very relaxing, I find. You should try it.

And on that note, I've got nothing else to say. I guess I could just ramble on and on about nothing again, that'd be fun. This is a good cue for those of you with a short attention span to just stop reading. Like right here. I mean... ugh. can't even continue here. Usually, i don't really stop typing. I just talk about nothing, or everything, or stupid things, now I'm hesitating a lot. I wonder why.

Oh, here's something. I find the idea of just randomly walking up to people and talking to them interesting. cause I seriously can't do it. I mean, just going up to someone, a complete stranger, on a bus or something, it's just odd. And it really shouldn't be, to wander up to someone I don't know. We're all living here in such... density, and we don't know each other. We should be more friendly with each other. I mean, what's the risk in walking up to random people you don't know. I mean, yeah, maybe you're not in the mood, or maybe you just don't like talking to people, but a polite no would work, wouldn't it? On the other hand, if you don't like talking to people, even a polite no would be annoying. Plus, this is all academic anyway, cause I can never get up the nerve to randomly talk to a person. I mean, imagine the weird things that they know, that they might want to talk about! but nobody even talks, we just sit silently on the bus.

now what? not even halfway, and I've run out of words. How about... Simpsons? I watched it yesterday, for the first time in ages. years, at least. I was at this weird dinner thing with my dad, where I was suddenly given the responsibility to cook. Wait, no, that's no accurate. I was given the responsibility to cook at the thing like a week ago, but I didn't really know all that much about cooking in the first place, so it was kind of a weird "wha?" type thing that happened. Anyways, at a strange potluck type thing with a ton of people my dad's age, who I didn't know, that's what I was expecting. Where I would just cook fish. And stand around being awkward. And maybe later, if I could find a quiet corner to sit at, read a book I already read cause I wasn't sure what else I could do there. Oh, right, forgot to say what kind of people there were. It was, a weird... uhm... hrm... I should start at the beginning. A few years back, I suppose about 06, my dad hits his mid-age crisis, I think, and suddenly realized he wasn't as educated about our Chinese heritage as we thought. So he really gets into the whole tea and buddhism and history and ancient-ish chinese literature, and it was mostly pretty interesting. On the other hand, at the same time, I started getting all these lectures about learning to think like chinese people, which is kind of weird. Anyways, about 2ish years ago, he got into this weird buddhist temple group? I think it should be called? And then he starts giving me all these judgmental lectures about (seriously) not believing in chi energy and saying how "I know you probably don't get it now, but you'll understand when you get older." Seriously. those exact words, at least 7-10 times, on separate occasions, immensely patronizing, and immensely annoying, especially seeing as he'd sneer at the fact that I did kung fu and did the whole meditation thing years ago, and he'd talk about how his way was much, much better, even though he hasn't spent more than 10 minutes at the kung fu center, so he was basically talking out of his ass, and he'd sneer at the fact that my grandma knew an acupuncturist, while in the same breath talking about how it is definitely bullshit, even though he'd never met the acupuncturist. So yes, terribly annoying. But, I think, the family took it mostly in stride. so where was I? Oh, a dinner, for basically what is a church group, only for Buddhists. Would you even call it a church group? I'm not sure. It's not like the people in the group were annoying or anything, I just didn't really know them, and they were mostly way out of my age range. They were just about all older than my dad. SO yes, awkward situations abound. Oh, by the way, do you know how to feel immensely young? Be around friends of your parents for an entire night, great way feel immature

doubts. Probably. Among other things

http://750words.com/entries/stats/39043
3rd (4th?) day in a row where I don't know what I'm going to write. Well, I can just... wander off or something. Do something else. I've gotta go soon, and I'm not even close to ready. Oh well. Here I am, typing when I don't especially feeel like it. io wdoner if I write long enough i'll eventually hit some sort of weird subconcious thing where I talk about some deep seated issue I have. Well, at the very least, I'll write something, even if it's nonsense. Stupid point system, keeping me writing even though I don't feel like it. Stupid me, falling for the stupid point system. Stupid person who wrote the stupid program. Oh well, that's enough times for me to say stupid, lets tlak about something else.

Writing is a weird kind of thing for me, I can't really write at all without talking to someone. I mean, mentally talking to someone. I can barely think without going into words, and it's all very conversational. All of it. I imagine someone across the way and I talk to them. Even when I'm like walking or something. Well, not exactly across the way, I mean, I hear the imaginary reply. well, that's not true either, I just sort of feeel like there's someone there that I'm talking to. No... I mena...

There's someone I'm always hypothetically talking to, holding a conversation with. For example, this thing, I'm talking to the hypothetical audience who will eventually read it. Or maybe not, I might not post this. But, Hypothetically, it'd be faid and possibly ariana and possibly heather. If they're still reading, which I doubt. got stuck here, can't really do that, gotta keep writing, even if it turns out to eb nonsense. see what I mean? i'm being drawn along by that stupid imaginary point prize. Well, no, I don't really think about that as much. I'm being drawn along by that stupid imaginary prize where, if I beat my own stupid inability to write, I'll get... something. something hypothetical and without any real meaning, other than the fact that I can write. I'm hoping that by writing this, I can write more. I guess that makes sense. There's nothing for practicing except for more writing. And then, the eventual end goal is (hopefully) more writing. That terribly circular. Should I really be doing this? isn't this pointless? Writing for the point of writing for the point of writing. God damn I repeat words too much. They just get locked into my brain and then I can't stop writing it. Maybe I should start editing peoples works. I have major troubles doing that. Sometimes, I just see something, and there's so many problems with I have no idea where to start. seriously. I just look, and I'm lost cause of all the ltitle errors and annoyances I find. Not spelling errors, microsoft has fixed that. But like... stupid grammatical things. So many so fucking many. and then I usually hand it back to the person, and I try to explain, but then they have no idea what I'm trying to say. I need to speak mor coherently. I need to like, put down a list of all my faults and then fix them one by one. That, or I need to just ignore all my faults. It's possible I'm being too self-critical most of the time. Or maybe I'm too critical in general. I point out faults. Constantly. Except when I'm too scared too, which is way more often than I should. Uhm.. that sentence didn't make any sense. Well, my typing has gotten ebtter. I ithnk. I'm getting mreo typoes, but my fingers are keeping up at least. Well, I guess that makes sense, the thing that always slowed me down the most was the backspace button, and then fixing and then missing the key and then refixing it. I wonder what my typing speed for this is? I should go back and read this again to see how many errors I find. Some people say I over think things, I know that seems like it's a random thought, but it isn't, I just went back to fix some typoes and this was where my brain was. What I mean is that I talk myself out of things too often, I think and I doubt and I rethink and then I try to doubt those doubts and I doubt all those too. And then I don't get anything done cause then I keep redoing it over and over and over and over again. Does that make sense? I retread those same paths, and then I notice that I'm doing that and then I wonder how to stop it and thne I realize I've done that before too and then I try to stop THAT. It never ends.

Ughughughughughguh

http://750words.com/entries/stats/37094

Okay, so I kind of maybe sorta skipped yesterday. I have no excuse, save that I was tired, and not in the mood. Which, honestly, kind of fucks up the entire point of this, which is to write no matter what. Oh well. I've really got nothing in particular to say. I'm just... tired. for no particular reason. I woke up today and my joints and muscles ached in that weird way you do if you've excercised the shit out of them the day before, but I didn't. I slept for like... 10ish hours without meaning to. Maybe there's something off with my diet. So yes, boring boring post, I've got really nothing to talk about. You can tell, cause I'm only 120ish words in, and I'm already checking the word count to see if it's close to finishing, even though I know it isn't. I even had a whole bunch of weird semi-thought out plans and topics of things to say, but now I just feel weird and tired and not really like writing, even thought I'm doing it anyway. I'm writing things, but not what I want to write. Even though the entire point of this is practice and fun and stuff. Even though i didn't write at all yesterday, and didn't write anything in particular today. Maybe I'll feel better later, it's morning now. I should probably make up for yesterday by doing like 1500 words. I might. I might not. I might give up this whole thing. I shouldn't have said that, it's like the first in the long line of things to say when I'm giving up. I don't particularly want to give up, I know I'm on and off day. But my next off day I'm going to say something like "I'm definitely giving up" and then I'll be okay for a little while, and then my next next off day I'll be like, bye, and then just leave. So yeah. Halfway through, and said nothing. Even my dreams were kind of off. I was halfway through it when sort of in the back of my head I was thinking, "this seems kind of familiar" and then I suddenly realized I had this exact same dream a few months before. I don't remember exactly when, but I did. I was like, some sort of commander or president of some sort. No, I was a vice president, I remember cause there was an actual president there. Anyways we were like an alien race or something and we had to surrender cause we were losing a war and we had this long discussion on "fighting an honorable war" or something like that. God this is boring. It's been like half an hour and Ive done so few words. Also, I'm vaguely annoyed. I had this great idea for a story and I kind of forgot it. I thought of it lying on my bed last night, and thought, "I should write this down". But I didn't. even though I had a pad of paper like right next to me. And even though I didn't, I remembered it when I woke up. I was thinking "wow, that's great. I remembered it. I should write it down NOW." but I didn't. but somehow, I dropped it in the like 5 minutes between getting up and brushing my teeth and walking over to the computer. Actually, I can pinpoint the exact moment. I was reaching into the cabinet for my toothrbrush and I pulled it out and I thought "I should change my toothbrush, this one is getting kinda gross" and then it just disappeared. holy shit 600 words. I am totally out of it, this has seemed to have taken so long. Like a marathon where you run for hours and hours and everyone else has finished except you. Maybe it's residual guilt for sucking at the 750 from the day before and not doing yesterday. I don't think so. wow, I just tried to do yesterday as two separate words, yester and day. That long pointless sentence brought to you by the coalition to use up as many of the 750 words on weird random tangential. Also, I should stop lampshading my constant use of random sentences to use up words. that also uses up words. UGH how can I only be at 720. so close, and yet so far. Well, I'm getting closer and closer. almost done. My typing is terrible today, can't write a thing. Every other word I fuck it up.

I mean, all you people I normally chat to I wasn't online at all cause I was so tired.

Afterthought. I should have put it in between somewheres, but i'm too lazy to look

NO running theme? What should I call this?

Anways, I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday. You know, about being weird. I've come to the conclusion that I'm a bit of a hypocrite. Actually, I'm a big hypocrite. I /like/ being weird. I revel in it. If I could, I'd fill a pool with weird and then swim aroudn in it, like scrooge mcduck in ducktales. But you know how I found out? I did that whole annoying "oh my god, I'm so weird. do you know how I know? cause I 'm like sooooo like totally random." Only, you know, with less valleygirl in it. More... I'm not sure what. It's hard to rewind, you know what I mean? Anyways, yeah, hypocrite. Also, I mentally dropped the ball. there was somethign I wanted to write here, but forgot what it was. something more. Oh well, no big deal.

Free short story: (some name) was always thought of as the meanest old man on the block. No really, he was. He was the type of guy who would steal your frisbee cause it flew over the fence. I mean, you COULD go ask for it back, but he's just say no, in that weird flat, voice of his. uhhh... something something.... dog... something..

Short stories don't work if you rush them do they? I'm just terribly terribly annoyed about how I'm not getting the words out like I planned to. I mean, I like writing. No, not accurate. I like words. I like playing with them and rearranging them and then listening to how they sound and feel when you say them or write them or say them some more. I think almost entirely in text. I've got a long mental narration in my head 24/7. It's the way my brain works. I can't do images. Well, kind of, in the simplest ways. I can like, imagine a cube. Or a line. Or something. I was good at basic geometry, cause I could visualize those really well. But anything more than that just fell apart into mush. I remember, waay back when, maybe kindergarden or something, a teacher was like "when you think of an elephant, do you think of the word or a picture of the nimal" and just about everyone raised their hand at the picture. and then I was totally confused, cause, don't you think of the word? how could you not? she just said it like two seconds ago. I use "like" alot. Also, my brain goes faster than my fingers. That's annoying in two ways. First of all, my fingers start to do two things at once and my typoes go way up unless I force myself to think slower. 2nd, as my fingers fall further and further behind I start to forget things in the middle. Like, take this sentence for example. When I was typing like, I was thinking example. and then, it gets further and futher, until the point where I was typing when", I was thinking until, and then the stuff in the middle gets muddled, and then I lose all coherency, and thne I need to stop and let my fingers catch up, and then I lsoe all momentum in my thoughts. Oh, writing, why are you so difficult to do? I should finish that old man story, I've got the whole thing bouncing around in my head somewhere. I should do it separately. I'm entirely serious when I say I've got the whole thing thing bouncing around in my head somewhere 100% written, but in weirdly separated parts. like little pieces of lego in a huge pile that you need to search for. Therefore, not a good story to write here. On he other hand, if I did a story from scratch... maybe that'd be easier to do here. I should try that next time, but this one is almost over. 683. Oh, also, I should stop looking at the damn counter. I should just write and write and write until I run out of things to say. Also, I should add more words to this, I mean, this whole section is shameless, shamless wordcount adding. So what should I talk about? I like the sound klom. klom klom klom. Seriously, I started saying that to random people a little while back. just, out of the blue. See what I mean about weird? I mean, I knew I shouldn't, I knew it would just confuse people. but for some reason, I like the sound as it bounces around in my mind, and also the sound as it echoes through my teeth ans skull. It's not even a good sounding word. Klom Klom. just say it to yourself out loud. Klom. esthetically, I can't understand it. but I'm weirdly obessed with the sound. maybe it has something tod o with gloom. Also, when I said "say it to yourself" I got really annoyed at myself. Cause, really, I shouldn't be writing for you people reading. That's like cheating! the entire point of iths is to be all brainfart-y and weird. And, yeah, there's a degree of that here. but there's also a degree of "hey, there are these people here reading this thing I'm making, maybe I should pander to them by being weirder and stranger and funnier and stupider and smarter" I mean, by pingponging between the stupid and the smart, not by doing them both at the same time. I wonder how that would be done anyway, being smart and stupid at the same time. I haven't even been all that smart on here anyway. have I? How would I convey that with my writing? Should I start doing like weird theoretical quantum physics things? I bet that would just make me look stupider

Being Strange

Do you know what's strange? Being strange. Or weird. or whatever you want to call it. Being random, I think is the most popular way of saying it. And, to be honest, it kinda pisses me off. I mean really, it shouldn't really be celebrated. Well, okay, maybe a little. but to the extent that it has? really? I should explain. I mean, I am, in general, a pretty weird person most of the time. I get lost in my thoughts a lot, so I tend to do things without realizing it. I have strange thought processes. I have never drank, or done any drugs. I don't even really take any cough medicine unless I feel like I'm going to die or something. and yet, for some reason, at least four or five times, people ask me if I'm high. like, out of the blue. like, it's independently, people who don't know each other! cause of the way I act! or the things I say! cause, sometimes, I jsut feel like doing weird dance movements, or balance on the edge of the curb or bounce on the balls of my feet. so, I think it's a given that I'm a pretty strange person. And yet, and yet, I find myself terribly annoyed at people who like to say that they're random, and then do some weird thing to prove it, cause being random and weird is, for some reason, popular. Being strange and unusual isn't a GOOD thing. It's not a BAD thing either! it's just a thing! I mean, if you're normal, then just be normal. If you're weird, then just be weird. Just be how you feel like. Being purposefully random is just as bad as being purposefully conformist. Do you know what a completely random painting would look like? It'd be shit, cause it'd just look like some ugly brown mess cause all the paints ran together. Do you know what the world would be if someone just looked around and then chose the path just cause someone else took the other ones? It'd be shit. nobody would be doing the things that they want to do, cause they'd be too worried that they'd be too similar to someone else. Just do what you fuckin want, not cause it looks like it's marginally different from someone else. Oh. Hrm.. I seem to have run out of things to say on that topic. Oh wait, thought of something. I mean, this isn't a celebration of being normal either. I mean, look at me. didn't I just say that I'm strange? and I'm okay with it. I like it. Also, I'm suddenly stuck by how this might sound. I sound like... someone who's annoyed at people barging in on my turf. I don't mean to be. I mean, if the whole world started being strange like me, I'm sure I'd like it. I mean, I'd like to be able to talk to someone about... say... actually, I can't think of anything right now, but I'm sure I'll be able to. but, whatever I talk ot that person about, I'm sure id' be fascinated by what they'd say. But, if you be strange for the sake of being strange, you're basically lying. Lying cause you fuckin saw invader zim. Or lying cause you want to be a special snowflake. or lying cause you want to make an impression. well isn't being honest good enough? shouldn't it be? There are plenty of firefighters, or policemen, or astronauts, and they're normal. Well, extraordinary in the things that they do, but not in the way that they do it. There are plenty of teachers and doctors and engineers and accountants. I mean, I think I'd like to be an accountant. At least, I'd mind it less than everything else i can think of. Seriously, workin with numbers all day in a (mostly) static way. I mean, sure, I'd probably get bored with it eventually, but there are worse ways to spend my time. ugh. 670 words. Isn't that the worst. To finish something, but then you suddenly realize you've fallen short because of some strange, arbitrary metric for success. I mean, yes, in this case, I kind of understand it. I mean, this exercise is to build good habits, and yes, it's also run by a computer so ti's not like it can judge me by the quality of my writing, and also, shit, isn't this for volume and not quality anyway? Plus, the whole slippery slope thing

Letter to Lucinda

Okay this will be my 2nd 750 words for today, but honestly, it's kind of a cheat. I did the other one at 12:20, so really, it should count as yesterday. Oh well. Anyways, this is a letter to YOU. YES. YOU lucinda. Actually, it will be posted to a random place on the internet cause I promised I would. Don't be fooled though, this is a letter to you, it's just not very private cause there's a few... I forget how many, but a few other people who may read this.
Hi! I don't know what I'm going to say here, only that I'm going to say something. How about that? Also, my writing speed has gone waaywaywaywayway down. That was only one word, you'll notice. Oh, tell me when you get the other letter, and don't tell me when you're mailing yours, cause I wanna be surprised. Also, I want to know how long it takes for things to reach Australia. tell me EXACTLY when it arrives, down to the minute and second, so that I can time the bomb that I sent you. That was a joke, I'm not going to send a bomb (maybe). Anyways, what's up? What's it like getting letters from a person you don't know? I mean, at this point, it's letters plural. Also, I'm sorry, but I didn't do the whole red sealing wax with a stamped seal with my official chinese name on it,I was going to, but then I got lazy. Plus I forgot. What's it like in Australian? You can tell me! are there koala bears? And those giant koala bears you told me to watch out for cause they're scary but then I forgot the names of cause... I forget. Actually, was that even you? Maybe not. There was a period of time when I was a total insomniac, sleeping at like 1pm after a no reason allnighter and talking to random people. Maybe some of them were Australians? Maybe not? Maybe it was actually you. Come to think of it, I'm probably failing at this writing exercise. Apparently, it's supposed to be done in the mornings, as a daily personal mind dump. I'm writing to YOU, and I'm self censoring. Hold on a tick, this also goes to you Faidites. I shouldn't be posting this. Oh well. In case I didn't tell you, this is a site where I post my things, and it analyses my subconcious. Actually, that's not the stated purpose of the site, it's just an added bonus that I find fascinating. I spend too much time thinking about my thoughts and how I think about my thoughts anyway, it's nice to have a computer do it for me. I should be more negative, I think, in general. Not cause I want to be a negative kind of person, but cause I think I self censor too much, cause I try to be nice. I mean honestly, if I can't be terrible to people in a (mostly) anonymous context, where I'm supposed to be minddumping my deepest darkest personal thoughts and feelings, where can I be mean to people? Although, in this case, since it's a letter to a specific person, and that there are also other people who may or may not read it if the fancy strikes them, perhaps it isn't the best place. Oh well. Okay, so I've suddenly realized that I haven't really been talking to you that much. This has been a letter of nothing, talking about nothing. what was that quote again? Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing? Was that Macbeth? no, King Lear I think. It's hard to tell sometimes, royalty and betrayal was all the guy did, it seems. Oh, I'm reading Hamlet, did I tell you? I'm reading that, and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. I kinda saw the movie and then decided I wanted to read the play. You know what's weird? I didn't know Gary Oldman was that awesome until now. I mean, yeah, Tim Roth, Ringo from Pulp Fiction, I know, but Gary Oldman, Commissioner Gordon. Really. And then I went back, and realized that the guy was in a ton of movies that I watched, BUT NEVER EVEN REALIZED HE WAS IN. Isn't that fucked? He's like a completely different guy in each of them. I'm at 1600 words total now, so including yesterday, I've gone over, but oh well. Maybe I should think of wrapping this up. Maybe I should think of a proper ending to this.

750 words

writing 750 words, each and every day, regardless of the quality of the content. Honestly, if I did this according to the rules I wouldn't even be doing punctuation and captitals, but whatever. Maybe I should get used to judging post lengths so I don't go too far over, even though I am entirely and 100% sure that I wouldn't give a shit either way. Come to think of it, I don't even think this post would last all that long, but whatevs. oh, I didn't explain it the rules. Write 750 words a day, to get into the habit. This blog is going to be more random than the other one, and the other one is really random. Also, I should do this in some sort of paragraph format. Oh well. I honestly don't expect anyone to read this, this is, again, just to get me into the habit, as my other blog doesn't have that many posts on it, and honestly, I'm pretty suer this is going to be shit. Well, to be honest, my other blog is pretty shit anyway, but it's going to be marginally less shitty than this. Stop saying shit! shit. So far, 194, not even close. So, I better talk about what happens daily, otherwise I'd run out of shit to talk about pretty quick. I saw the sunset. It was pretty. I wandered around, it' was okay. I like this time of year,it's my favourite time of year. You get the cool breeze and everything. All this seems to be pretty damn inane, but whatever, that's the point, get into the habit. I've said that three times. No, I'm not just tryin to soak up the word count by remarking on my remarks and then remarking further on THOSE remarks. Also, stream of conciousness, don't tihnk I've said that. At the very least, I'm pretty sure most of this is grammatically proper, but I've got no real clue. It might not be. It might be an enormous crime against humantity and nature and such. Oh well, thems the breaks. See? Terrible grammar. 347 words, halfway there. I have no clue how I'm going to do this again tomorrow. but I must. well, not must, but you know what I mean. I should, if I want to get into the habit of writing. I don't even think I'm that great at it, not really. can't plot for shit. can't characterise for shit. but I do like playing with words, and with ideas and with the ideas of words, so I might as well start. I'm going ot be honest again, i spend a ton of time just rearranging words in my head until I find a fun combination. Actually, it might just be whenever I have a free moment to think for myself. I should put it somewhere. barely moved it at all. Oh, and this is probably going on the fora, you probably all don't care, cause it's poorly written and all wall of texty. honestly, I would be shocked if any of you read it. Actually, no, not true, I'm sure someone will be so bored that they'll read the whole thing. wait, no, what about that one time in general when that guy had a secret message inside but then most of the people just kind of skipped it. actually, that was eventually caught, so it'd be good evidence for at least someone reading it. Though, this is faid, less of a reader base, but then again, more insane readers here. and, also, this has been pretty shit, so far, so really there shouldn't be anyone reading this sentence here. I should drop a secret message or something for whoever gets this far, but I can't really think of anything. I was thinking something like "I love you" but that's not even true, cause I can't be sure who's reading this. come to think of it, I don't even think I would say that to anyone on the fora. what the hell happened? I used to be super excited about knowing all of you, but now I'm not. I just have a vague apathy. Actually, that's not even true. I wasn't even excited about knowing you guys, I was just burning my time reading posts that were mildly interesting. I really don't know anything about you guys, I've got no real connection to any of you. Seriously, if any of you guys considered me your friend, I'd be shocked. we're acquaintances at best, barely even that. I've got the vaguest connection to FaiD as a whole, but other than that... Maybe I should start saying hi to specific people, PMing them and such, but I'm much to scared. of what, I don't know. Maybe I should go the "faux omegle" route and randomly add people's MSNs and AIMs and... other chat protocols. 808 I'm done. Maybe I should have been less transparent with my lack of enthusiasm. I mean, sure I got this far, but will I get this far every night? maybe. I shouldn't do the whole word count every once and a while thing anyway, just see how far I can get and then count afterwards